Do women “know what they want?” This question came up at Overcoming Bias. I think “do women know what they want?” is the wrong question. Nobody can know what women want better than women themselves. However, we can compare women’s stated preferences and their actual behaviors. Research on this subject shows that there are often discrepancies between the two in women; the only question is whether men show such discrepancies also, and why these discrepancies exist.
Stated preferences vs. behavior
A study discussed on GNXP found that both men and women’s behavior was at odds with their preferences, though it had a very small sample size: “there is a rather poor match between our sample’s verbally stated preferences for mate traits and the preferences they expressed through their actual mate choices.”
Other studies have found that men’s stated preferences are more likely to line up with their behavior than women’s. Here is an excerpt from Urbaniak, G. C., & Kilmann, P. R. (2006). Niceness and dating success: A further test of the nice guy stereotype. Sex Roles, 55, 209-224. (emphases mine):
Weiderman and Dubois (1998) used behavioral measures to assess women’s preferences for a mate and found a discrepancy between self-perceptions and behavior, particularly among women. For both men and women, the physical attractiveness manipulation was the most important factor in predicting ratings of desirability. Men accurately indicated that the physical attractiveness of the targets was the most important characteristic that influenced their desirability ratings, whereas women inaccurately indicated that desired level of relationship commitment was their most important factor, when, in fact, it was one of the least important factors behaviorally. Sprecher (1989) found similar results, in that women inaccurately assessed the role of physical attractiveness in their own ratings of a target man. The women in Sprecher ’s study reported that expressiveness was the most important factor in their choice, although it was the least important factor behaviorally. Physical attractiveness was the most important factor that actually influenced their ratings. The results of these two studies suggest that women’s self-reported preferences may not match their actual choices. Because it is still considered shallow and inappropriate for women to say that physical attractiveness is very important in their choices, those women may have engaged in impression management.
I can’t access the Weiderman and Dubois study, but let’s take a look at what Sprecher found:
Although the experimental results indicated that physical attractiveness was a more important predictor of attraction than earning potential and expressiveness, subjects did not accurately perceive it to be the most important. Subjects in this study were asked at the end of the experimental booklet to indicate how important each of four characteristics presented about the stimulus person had been in evaluating him/her. Subjects assumed that both personality and expressiveness were more important in their desirability judgments than was physical attractiveness. In fact, personality was judged to be the most important even though the response provided on the bogus evaluation form to the personality item were relatively uninformative (a 5 on a 7-point scale was checked, and the comments were “His (her) personality seems fine, although it was hard to tell in 20 minutes.”). Subjects rated expressiveness as the second most important characteristic, although it had been the manipulated factor having the smallest actual effect on attraction. Physical attractiveness and earning potential were judged to be third and fourth in importance to males, whereas the reverse order was found for females.
In short, men rated physical attractiveness as the 3rd most important factor in determining their ratings, women rated it 4th, when really it was number 1. So both men and women were wrong about their preferences, but women were more wrong.
My interpretation of this research is that both men’s and women’s behavior is different from their stated preferences, but the gap is bigger in women. This could be because women don’t know what they want as well as men, but it could also be due to impression management and social desirability bias in self-reporting.
Nobody knows what they want?
Another plausible hypothesis I found in the Sprecher article is the notion of “implicit causal theories”:
In a classic paper in the area of social cognition, Nisbett and Wilson (1977) argued that people often do not know what stimulus creates a particular response, and in such cases use “implicit causal theories” provided by the culture to explain a response. [...] The same lack of awareness argument could be applied to this area of determinants of initial attraction. Identifying what characteristics are desired in a partner and why attraction is or is not experienced toward a specific person involves higher order cognitive processes that people may be incapable of successfully monitoring. Instead, men and women may rely on implicit causal theories or social belief systems to determine what they report to be attractive in someone. Consistent with this, Duck and Sants (1983) have argued that personal relationships researchers attribute more self-awareness to participants in relationships than they actually have.
In other words, when women are asked what they want they want, they will be unaware of their actual preferences, and repeat what they culture says they should prefer.
I think culture is part of the problem with people’s (especially women’s) misstatements of their preferences and responses; just look at the vagueness of the language that is available for women to describe what attracts them, such as “nice guy,” and “jerk,” which can mean almost anything the speaker wants them to.
Do women know what they want?
Sometime, in discussions of what women want, the implication is that women don’t know their own minds, an implication that many women understandably resent. This research suggests that maybe nobody knows what they want (the implicit causal theories notion). Why would women misstate their preferences more than men in this case? Perhaps the implicit cultural theories of what women should be attracted to are stronger than those for men. Also, perhaps women’s preferences are just more complicated than men’s on average, and it takes women more years of observation and introspection to accurately state those preferences.
An alternative theory is that people do know what they want, but that when asked, they need to give answers that are acceptable to society. If so, women might misstate their preferences more often because there is more pressure on them to engage in impression management and to give the socially-desirable response.
Consequently, I think that culturally-induced female misstatements of what attracts them should not be seen as a problem with women, but rather as a problem for women and for men. Women aren’t trying to deceive men about their preferences; it is society that is trying to deceive both men and women.
Very interesting post, Hugh. I don’t reject the notion that women’s desires might be more ‘shallow’ than what people tend to believe, but I’m not sure the studies you reference make a convincing case. A number of them seem to be based on speed-dating. Wouldn’t studies based on that kind of interaction tend to highlight people’s superficial concerns as a matter of course?
Alternatively, they might be equally strong, but those for men just happen to be more accurate. That is, both women and men are equally likely to parrot social expectations, but, in this particular area, the social expectation for men is close to reality than the expectation for women.
I have to disagree that appearance in #1 for women, but I would say that height and/or physical ability is one of those “givens” women do not list, but feel strongly about (I don’t). Insofar as they don’t mention that as “attractiveness”–you are right. But I think those are the actual factors they are valuing (again, I don’t) and so don’t count those as “attractiveness”–IMHO.
The jacket pictures of those appalling Mills and Boon “romance” novels almost invariably present the male half of the happy romantic couple as being (1) not just taller but altogether physically more eminent (2) older and (3) in a position of greater social prominence than the female half. Are such desiderata (“bigger, taller, more mature and better respected than little femme me”) largely limited to Mills and Boon readers, I wonder, or are they the norm amongst heterosexual women?
A woman disagrees with a study that women value looks over anything else but are either unaware of this fact or hiding it.
I think that’s one peice of anacodotal evidence that is both amusingly ironic and soundly eviscerated by the study.
Taller is definitely part of the norm. The others I couldn’t say, it probably varies, though bigger is probably also not far behind (most women consider it a given that the average man will be taller and bigger (more muscular) in the same circumstances, and vice-versa men also do the opposite).
It’s not an important factor for me, like a deal-breaker, but you could hardly be skinnier or weaker than me and be healthy. So I’d probably go for a man taller and bigger, simply because there’s almost no one below the threshold (as such, the law of probability says I’m likely to meet a man taller and bigger, and unlikely to meet one shorter and smaller – unless pre-pubertal).
I will admit that looks are a nessisary but not sufficient criteria for me.
Insofar as men’s thoughts are concerned, I have no real reason why not to believe that they are similar. Looks are nessisary but not sufficient.
They get you through the door, but staying there is another matter.
Why is this considered shallow anyway? Throughout most of human history people paired off with someone of equal or near equal attractiveness. (With a certain precentage pairing off based on material wealth, social connections or other outside factors.)
A certain element of love is physical and based on looks. Although, I will admit, the most negative and unappealing personalities are often the most physically unattractive people. YMMV.
Most likely because they are systematically mistreated. There is a HUGE ‘looks privilege’ at work in society. It’s been documented, for example, that more attractive people will be given lighter sentences for an identical crime.
I’ll freely admit I am generally not into guys who are short or very thin.
Ren
gasp!
sob, sob, sob!!!
You, you…just don’t care WHAT you say, or WHOSE feelings you hurt, DO YOU, Ren?
Tom, only on every other tuesday. I’m heartless like that.
What I want in a man: A wide rib cage. Masculine features. Independence. A lack of intellectual or social rigidity. Adventurousness.
That sounds like my brother (of 23) in a nutshell.
Me and him are more or less opposites though.
I want a man that’s taller than me, bigger than me, masculine features, at least somewhat dominant (bonus if he likes my interests), open-minded, warm and caring, and who’s able and willing to discuss nearly anything. Preferably not too young, I don’t particularly like having more experience than my partner.
[...] difficulty with interpreting the reported experience of women is that social norms can bias their responses and the way they interpret their experiences. When this is the case, then as Scott (1991) argues, [...]
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I want something pink!
No, I want something shiny!
I want something pink and shiny!
Problem solved.
Its obviously impossible to know what you want a priori. I remember reading the Wheel of Time and in one part the main character touches some device that causes him to experience every possible reality from that point forward. A person in this situation would KNOW what they want because they actually know exactly which type of decisions resulted in the best and happiest life. Everything else is guessing.
Do women know what they want? Fuck no. I also don’t think that it is necessarily true that a person is best situated to know what is best for them. This statement is true on average. But in specific cases there are many ways in which it could be false.
I have had two girlfriends who told me after we were together a while that they weren’t initially attracted to me and didn’t like me but that I was persistent and eventually I won them over (usually by third date). After we broke up they found themselves attracted to guys who looked like me.
So obviously women don’t know what they want until I take the time to educate them. God I’m wonderful!
When I was younger I used to imagine what my ideal “woman” would be. Experience (though, as a 22 year-old, not terribly much) has taught me that not only are my expectations bullshit, but my imagined preferences are just that: phantasmal. I will pursue a romantic opportunity with any charismatic woman who isn’t genuinely “funny looking”.
My father once gave me this little nugget of wisdom:
“Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her.”
His intentions were far from sage; nevertheless those words have served me well.
The whole discussion of women knowing what they want is pointless. People… All people want different things at different times. No person can meet all the needs of another person. The real challenge then in life is to know yourself, what you want, what your willing to compromise on and what you won’t compromise on. Society has fooled us into thinking that relationships are permanent when that has never been the case. Anything that has a beginning will have an end! Enjoy the beauty that today has to offer. If you can share your life with someone and have pleasure in that sharing then do so with the understanding that it will end. Enjoy it for what it’s worth as long as you can and remember that if death doesn’t do you part something will.
“People… All people want different things at different times. No person can meet all the needs of another person. The real challenge then in life is to know yourself, what you want, what your willing to compromise on and what you won’t compromise on.” This. So this.
As far as physical attraction goes, I’d agree that its less socially acceptable for women to state that a mans attractiveness is important. However, it behooves a woman to admit to it. I’ve been on the side of being the one who came to realize that my partner didn’t find me physically exciting and I’ve been the one to realize I’d led a partner on to thinking I found them more attractive than I did. Its devastating to anyones psyche to make that realization. Better to own up to your real preferences and avoid hurting the people who truly care for you.
That being said, male or female, you can look like Adonis or Venus, but if the core values and needs of both people aren’t met, you stand a snowflakes chance in Hell of making the relationship work.
Assman, I’d have to say that your experiences your prior girlfriends had match my own. My Beloved doesn’t match the ideals of manliness, he’s one of the nice, geeky guys who gave up on finding companionship. He’s not hot in the stereotypical sense, but I find him very attractive. Part of how that works is that in many respects our values and needs have quite a bit of overlap. Its been the part where I respect him and feel safe enough to let my guard down (I don’t trust people easily, I keep few if any friends and very few people really know me at all) that enhances the attractiveness he has to make him hot. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Strange, we met over the web and got on well. Our first date though almost was a fail. He talked endlessly about work and it was really off putting. However, I realized it was because he was so nervous so I gave him a playful, gentle poke on the knee and he snapped out of it. We’ve been inseparable ever since.